Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
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I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise