Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
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me when I see my crush
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore