Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
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Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
this will hang in the louvre one day
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.