Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.