Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
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It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2