Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
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SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”