You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
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Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals