Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
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Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
This probably isn’t good
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.