Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
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Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Camping tip: No.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*