[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
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93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
sliding into dms like
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Ferrari squats
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!