ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
You Might Also Like
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.