Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
You Might Also Like
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight