I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
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Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Baller is short for ballerina
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers