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[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.