When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
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*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin