Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
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That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
😩😩😩
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.