Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
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People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Social distancing in Australia:
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Who did it better?
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>