Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
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If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
mathematically impossible
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!