ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
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There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Sex so good you see dead people.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Going into Monday like
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.