If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
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*struts into the new year
~ trips
turning my gender off to conserve energy
File under excellent bookstore names.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
This meeting could have been a cake
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now