Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
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Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Best spot.. 😅
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.