[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
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Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.