ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
You Might Also Like
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
incredible book dedication
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.