ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
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Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Every time.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox