Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
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My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.