Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
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if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Genius idea!!
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.