me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
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Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
When he asks for feet pics
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.