Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
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The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.