Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
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guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
How do you milk an almond?
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!