ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
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My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Lmao 🤣
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
#Caturday
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.