Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
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Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.