Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
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I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
im 7 sauces long
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.