Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
You Might Also Like
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.