ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
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[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters