Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
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DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!