me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
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Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Made something I’m not proud of
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.