My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
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9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Velcrow
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind