Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
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I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.