Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
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“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.