Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
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TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST