Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
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I鈥檓 having a garage sale & hope people I鈥檝e borrowed things from don鈥檛 come.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Whoa… oh I see lol
Did you know cats are called cats because they鈥檙e roughly half the size of cattle?
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i鈥檝e seen their work no thanks
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
This could be us… but you playing
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I鈥檓 wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
People are waiting for flying cars and I鈥檓 just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
馃が賮賯胤 賮賷 賲氐乇 馃が
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I鈥檇 believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don鈥檛 need a permit to carry a gun? I won鈥檛 even google it.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest