Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
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i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
getting groceries
Breaking news:
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.