me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
You Might Also Like
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”