Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
You Might Also Like
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Barbie gone wild
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*