YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
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not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.