Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
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Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Now this is how you LinkedIn
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.