Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
You Might Also Like
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.