Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
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Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”