@ThaJawn: Me: *empties 4's maracas
4: *shakes maracas* They're broken
Me: Oh no.. What happend?
@GuyThe_Guy: Autocorrect just turned "stepdaughter" into "lying manipulative drug addict that lives in the basement and brings dudes in thru the slider"
@goldengateblond: I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all "oh she's much thinner than I thought, I'll adjust the numbers."
@kcmoore51: Thanks for being here right on time.
We'll see you in a few hours.
@onion_an: Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That's for inventing milk
@ch000ch: me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man