I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
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IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?