@ThaJawn: Me: *empties 4's maracas
4: *shakes maracas* They're broken
Me: Oh no.. What happend?
@VerifiedJayy: Never tell a joke about a midget. They can come back to bite you on the ass
@ShortWhiteNUgly: I want a girl who asks me to do things that I have to Google.
@_Water_Baby: *at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
@FeelingMervis: I've started an elimination diet, It's where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
@galiamango: When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don't move, it can't see me.