@ThaJawn: Me: *empties 4's maracas
4: *shakes maracas* They're broken
Me: Oh no.. What happend?
@CulturedRuffian: SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
@tiffaynay: Burger King employee: what size [drink] would you like?
Me (thinking she said 'side'): fries.
Me: *more forcefully* fries.
@ibid78: *uses handkerchief*
Well now that this is used, it seems I won't be blowing my nose again til laundry day.
@WheelTod: Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
@AntozWolf: There's a reason the iPhone autocorrects "Yolo" to "tool."