@ThaJawn: Me: *empties 4's maracas
4: *shakes maracas* They're broken
Me: Oh no.. What happend?
@hazelmotes1: This venomous snake is pretty scary. What can we do to make it even scarier?
Put a toy for babies on its tail.
@HeidiGolightly: Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
I think "stabby" is a feeling, right?
@ericsshadow: DOCTOR: If you don't exercise, there's really no point in dieting.
ME: I can't wait to tell my wife the good news.
@bourgeoisalien: My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, "Meow meow meow meow meow meow." Dunno, think it's a little pretentious.
@Mikecanrant: Whoever named them "urinal cakes" has grossly underestimated my love for cake.
On a side note, what is the strongest toothpaste available?