FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
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The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD